[PUBLIC CHANNEL] D100 | Early In The Attack

[fortuneglass]

[Can anything get worse than the attack already is?

The answer is a resounding Yes. (And that's BEFORE everything else, for that matter.)

When Carly comes onto the radio- public radio on that note, for while she would rather not distress everyone further, it's something everyone should probably know- her voice is tense. Low, and flat, and stiff, as it has been in the past when handling something relatively unpleasant...or when causing it, for that matter.

Which is never a good sign.]

...Herbert is dead, [Is what she starts with, not that there is much else to say.] ...I have what's...left of him, [She says, sounding remarkably calm outside the clear hesitation as she chooses her words.

There goes one of their medical staff, for the time being though.]

Comments

[reflash]

[He's been humoring people his whole life, and he chokes down his refusals and nods. Then remembers you can't see nods over the radio.]

S-sorry.

I... He... [It's "him" not "me" right now. There's another person out there, the better parts of him. The good parts.]

He's not a crybaby. [That's the sort of word choice of someone who heard it time and time again and eventually learned to choke back all his tears and all his emotions until people stopped calling him Yukio the crybaby. But this half is just all of that "weakness" pulled out of dark corners and given form.]

He can make decisions without being scared of what's going to happen. He isn't scared-- [Of anything. And this half is just all those anxieties and fears, the part of him that used to be scared of the dark and of loud refrigerators, of coal tars and zombies. The light half is calm and confident, this dark half is just afraid.]

He knows what to say to people, he can reassure them so they're not worried about him. [That other half is the Yukio with the quiet smile, the competent, confident, ever-so-polite young man. This Yukio wants people to worry about him, and hates that they worry, and doesn't know what to say to make them stop.]

[fortuneglass]

So he doesn't really empathize with things, [She replies to 'crybaby'.] He acts without thinking of the consequences to himself and maybe others, [She adds, replying to the matter of fear,] And...

Hmm. Certainly that last one seems alright but...

...But if he's missing those first two things, that means a lot could be wrong with that side of you a lot of the time..! It's not good to hide that! Sometimes you need to let someone in, after all! These parts of you and him, aren't 'good' or 'bad'...they're something that has to be balanced! [Trust her, she's been thinking about this a lot.]

[reflash]

He's going to be a good doctor, and an even better exorcist. [He's going to be.

There's a future there, one that this Yukio won't ever reach. One he doesn't deserve, but that the other part, the better part can easily attain. And he's willing to (he's terrified to, he hates the idea that he will) die for that.]

[insidescoop]

No offense to what your other side is, but I wouldn't let anyone without care for danger and emotion anywhere near me if it cost me my life.

Taking risks only goes so far. Staying calm and detached only does so much. I'd rather someone have the capacity to cry for me, than not!

[reflash]

You would. [He argues, or something like an argument. It's more just a desperate laugh, a choked sob.]

He's useful.

I can't-- help anyone. I can't save anyone. I can't even-- I can't do anything!

It's so much better if you just don't care!

[insidescoop]

It's not.

Believe me Yukio... I know from experience, it's not. It might seem harder, and it might BE harder sometimes, but at the end of the day it is always better to have cared at least a LITTLE than not at all!

Because if you don't, and if you just go forward without care for the risks, how can you expect a patient to be listened to, when they need it most? How can you expect the decisions that need emotions to happen?

You need each other. Both halves, as one.

....it seems both of you need to realize that.

[reflash]

I-- I know. [He says, through tears, because this is the half of Yukio that can admit things like that, that can see where the other half of him is wrong. That still thinks things would be better if that other half was the only "Yukio" left.]

I'm just so tired.

[fortuneglass]

[Carly sighs.]

...We'll fix this, alright?

You need to exist just as much as him. It'll be alright.

[reflash]

[He wants to believe her, but he doesn't. But he wants to believe he can exist, should exist, that there's some kind of value in even this part of him.

There's just no way it's possible.]

I...

I'm sorry I can't help you. [With everything happening with West. With any of this.]

[insidescoop]

...

Sometimes just talking helps a lot, Yukio.

Just talking helped me a lot.

[reflash]

I wouldn't be able to stop. [He says, quiet and apologetic and painfully self-aware.]

You don't want to hear me talk. [Of course she doesn't. Why would she? They've barely spoken before, and now here he is just unloading all of this on her. He doesn't know why she's still letting him talk.]

[insidescoop]

I already am. And...it's helping me stay grounded here, I think, [She notes with a nervous laugh.]

[reflash]

I just want to... [to help people? But that's not it, is it. That's not what he wants, that's just what he's always said he's wanted. He wants...

really, he just doesn't want to feel like this any more.]

Sorry. I--

Can you--

[What does he want? He has no idea.]

Why are you still talking to me? [He isn't helping her somehow. There's no possible way.]

[insidescoop]

It's like I said, isn't it?

Talking helps. It might not seem like it...but somehow, talking at all is making it easier for me out here. You'd think it'd be distracting in a fight, but I'm doing a lot better actually~!

You're keeping me grounded.

[reflash]

[He should be out there fighting. He can't just hide here and be miserable when he should be out there.

But she says "talk" and he tries. He tries to talk without spilling everything, without tearing himself open and dropping everything on her.]

... do you know my older brother? [Of course she does. Everyone knows Rin. Everyone likes Rin, because Rin is a good person.]

[fortuneglass]

Your broth- Oh! Rin, yes?

Good cook...reminds me of Yuugo in a lot of ways, honestly, [She remarks- there's a visible grimace in that tone however. Neither of the two act very bright at times.]

Older though... [Ah] ...I can't imagine by much, you seem pretty much the same age... [She's got to be right on that! Tell her she's right!]

[reflash]

We're twins. [She's right. They just couldn't be more different.]

Our father was always proud of him. [There it is. He just came right out and said it, said one of those things that sits heavy in the back of his mind and gnaws away at every thing he does.

Maybe this means his better half doesn't have to deal with this.]

[fortuneglass]

[Ooooooh. Oooooh dear.] Ahhhhh.

...Hmm. You know, I think it normally happens with the older sibling but...

...I don't suppose you ended up looking after him a lot, growing up?

[She never had siblings herself but...well, she's definitely seen a few things, and heck- the twins at home, much as they were still kids, painted a heck of a picture.]

[reflash]

When we were really little he would always look after me, but--

[But then things changed, roles switched and Yukio had to be the stronger one, the one who could handle everything, the mature and intelligent and kind and perfectly behaved counterpart to a wild brother.]

There were so many things he wasn't allowed to know about, so I had to protect him.

[insidescoop]

'Really little' doesn't really sound like the kind of 'looking after' I meant, [Carly laughs- though it's a quiet one.]

...Yeesh...hiding things even? However well your dad probably meant, I'm not sure these were great decisions...

If you took over the 'looking after' from when you were 'really little', it sounds more like you helped raise your brother, honestly..!

[reflash]

Not... not really. [He can picture what she's thinking of, a life where Yukio wasn't just the brother who wrapped up Rin's injuries and told him to put more effort into his schoolwork.]

There were always people around to watch out for us. But...

They were raising us to be weapons. He was allowed to have a normal life, he didn't know about any of this until a few months ago. I was the one who had to learn how to fight, I was the one who always had to be-- [he cuts himself off, painfully aware of how loud he's getting, how much he's spilling in front of someone he doesn't know.]

I'll never be good enough, and he's always been perfect.

[insidescoop]

WEAPONS-!?

[MMM! BOY!

...She kind of wants to murder your dad, Yukio.

It's a good thing he's dead. Because wow! That's not great.] ...I don't think the standards of someone who expects that are the standards you should hold yourself to, Yukio. ...Not in the slightest. ...It probably doesn't change how it feels, or felt, but...

You're not your brother. But he's not you either- maybe there's going to be things he's better at, but frankly, I'm talking to the one who I would trust my life with if something happened! ...I mean Rin's great and all but I really don't want him on call for my medical! I'm just saying!

And that trust doesn't need someone's idea of perfect. It needs someone who knows what they're doing, and cares enough to try. Both emotionally, and in other ways too! [she adds seriously.] I know you more than I know your family, but I can say this much at the least.

...You shouldn't have been denied that normal life. Whatever happened, whatever is and was happening...

[She is silent for a moment or so, before she pipes in more cheerily.] ...But you know? ...While it's too late to 'go back'...I don't think anyone here would be able to complain, if you got to have something 'normal' now!

[...] ...That probably sounds a bit silly, doesn't it..!

[reflash]

No one ever gets what they "should" get. [The idea of a fair world has never appealed to Yukio, he's never been able to see it as anything other than naive hopes. He's always known that he'll have to fight and claw and exhaust himself to get anywhere.]

And I...

I can't just be someone people trust, I have to be someone who they can always trust and always look up to. Especially here, where there are even more people relying on me. I can't let them down.

[insidescoop]

Ooooh, now don't you use that excuse!

Just because we don't always get what we should or want, doesn't mean people have the excuse to keep ignoring it! It's the fact that the world doesn't work that way, that means we should put an effort into it! Not everyone recycles, or cleans their dishes, or eats healthy, but it doesn't change that we should still try does it?

...And as for trust...

We're human, Yukio. More than that, we're 'alive'! Faeries, Demons, Angels, those are beings that all make mistakes, and so do we. Trust isn't something that gets abandoned at whim- it's not something that fails because you can't pull something off in a particular moment!

It's something you have despite knowing that could happen! ...Take it from someone who's up on a pedestal themselves...

...If I need help, I ask for it- even from someone who's 'less strong'.

Because I still stand a better chance of managing something that way.

...you can be someone who's looked up to, and trusted, and still be helped.

...I know I've made better decisions that way, than on my own and frantic...

[reflash]

No one can help me! [Now he's yelling, temper snapped under the weight of his own crushing expectations and his own self-created view of the world.]

It doesn't matter how much effort I put in! ["effort" is one word for it, one way to sum up nonstop work and too few hours of sleep and the constant pummeling grind of school and teaching and exorcisms and training and unrelenting stress.] It doesn't fix anything! It doesn't really mean anything! No one actually gives a shit about me! And your advice isn't ever going to help anyone!