[PUBLIC CHANNEL] D100 | Early In The Attack

[fortuneglass]

[Can anything get worse than the attack already is?

The answer is a resounding Yes. (And that's BEFORE everything else, for that matter.)

When Carly comes onto the radio- public radio on that note, for while she would rather not distress everyone further, it's something everyone should probably know- her voice is tense. Low, and flat, and stiff, as it has been in the past when handling something relatively unpleasant...or when causing it, for that matter.

Which is never a good sign.]

...Herbert is dead, [Is what she starts with, not that there is much else to say.] ...I have what's...left of him, [She says, sounding remarkably calm outside the clear hesitation as she chooses her words.

There goes one of their medical staff, for the time being though.]

Comments

[reflash]

[Oh he's switching to a message on her private channel for this, hands trembling as he fumbles with his radio. No, no, something's wrong, something is extremely wrong here, why does she sound so wrong when she says that, what is she hiding from him?]

What's going on?

[fortuneglass]

MNH- [OOO DID NOT EXPECT THAT, SHE DIDN'T.... ...But after a few moments, she sighs and regains her serious tone.]

Yukio. [Not a good sign.]

I am telling you this because as our only other medic, Herbert's duties will no doubt be falling on you. I am trusting you to keep this to yourself, and the other supervisors for the time being, understand?

[NOT! A GOOD SIGN!]

[reflash]

[No. No. Shit. Something... something's wrong, something's extremely wrong and Carly's dancing around the issue. She's avoiding the issue and she's...

no.

He can't do that. He can't. It's too much responsibility, it's the crushingly heavy implication that Dr. West isn't coming back, it's the endless familiar weight of I am trusting you to keep this to yourself and he (the broken, useless, worthless dark half of Okumura Yukio) is already starting to lose his breath with panic as he rasps out a one-word response.]

Yes.

[fortuneglass]

...We couldn't find his soul.

...I don't know what it means...maybe the Hunt has it, but the point is it's not with us, and I couldn't put it in the egg.

...I don't know when we'll get him back.

[reflash]

We won't. [They won't get him back. There's no way that something like that could happen.

There's no way that Yukio could ever take his place, but (once again) he's going to be forced into a role he isn't ready for, and (once again) he's going to fail to live up to that role.]

[fortuneglass]

HEH!?

[Uh.] ...What kind of statement is that!?

[reflash]

Just... [he has to have an answer for her. He has nothing but the tightness in his throat, an attempt at an answer choked by a sob. He needs to be better than this, he needs to be stronger, he needs to have every answer to every question because if he's not perfect what's the point of keeping him alive?

Instead he just has a pause that's gone on too long and the radio in his hand. He has to try again. But he can't, and he just says absolutely nothing.]

[insidescoop]

...Yukio.

...You're not 'whole' are you.... [Oh...dear...]

[reflash]

[She knows.

His entire self, all his flaws and failures, and she knows. He's pinned like some kind of insect, tested every day and they're all just waiting (everyone in his life is watching) to see when he'll explode.

A rush of words, desperate, claws scratching at the radio in his hands.]

Please, you can't tell anyone, please don't tell them! [If they knew, if they knew about him and everything he's become and everything he's always been--]

[insidescoop]

Don't tell them? Yukio!

'Light cannot exist without Darkness, and Darkness cannot exist without Light'- I read a passage about that so many times in the Athenaeum, and with everyone here splitting themselves in two, it feels pretty important to remember!

You need to get to your other half!

[reflash]

No! [He can't really sound more scared, but he manages it.]

I won't-- he won't-- I don't want to die!

[fortuneglass]

Hah?

[oh.

Oh.

O H.] ...Yukio~

...Do you know where your other half might be right now~?

[reflash]

No! [He can't do this. He can't--


and because he's so weak, so pathetic, he shoves his radio away and doens't respond.]

[fortuneglass]

Yukio he has to come to terms with reality eventually..!

[Screaming Floor Radio Time]

If I have to tie his arms up I'll do it! But this can't go on!

[Carly this isn't helping]

[reflash]

[It can't go on, and he knows it. It's too much, too big, his own broken and pathetic existence is more than he can handle but he doesn't know (no part of him knows) how to just reach out and admit he needs help.

But right now, he can't hide it. Right now, he is everything wrong with him and he can't hide it and he's going to get hurt, he's going to get deeply hurt because everyone knows how pathetic he is and everyone is going to strike at every glaringly obvious weakness.

But...

The radio crackles with Carly's loud concern, and Yukio can't do this, he can't even breathe.


He doesn't respond, just stops talking entirely. But about half an hour later, there's a small, quiet voice coming over the radio to Carly's private channel.]

I'm sorry. I... I just... I can't do this.

[insidescoop]

[Oh dear.]

...

...I pushed too hard, didn't I... [That lengthy pause was enough to tell her That at least.]

[reflash]

No. [She didn't push too hard, she just pressed a little and he shattered into pieces.]

It's my fault. I'm not the person you should be talking to right now.

[insidescoop]

Howwww is the OTHER half of you being an absolute idiot YOUR fault..!?

[reflash]

He's me, so it's my fault. If I weren't-- [the sob in his voice is back as his eyes sting with a new wave of tears.] I'm sorry.

[fortuneglass]

That's not true at all you should know. He's half, just as you're half too. He represents entire pieces that can't function properly WITHOUT you!

So it's nothing to apologize for, ok?

I'll make sure he gets an earful before you're back together! It wouldn't make sense to do it after!

[And then she failed.]

[reflash]

He'll be fine without me. [He will be. He'll be more than fine, he'll be perfect, efficient, merciless. Nothing will hold him back from where he needs to be and what he needs to do. ]

[insidescoop]

Oh, really?

What does he have? Go on, I'll tell you exactly why he needs you.

[reflash]

[She's going to try and encourage him somehow, drop empty platitudes to try and make him feel better or stronger or more cantabile somehow.]

You're not going to be able to cheer me up. [He says, an explanation and an apology.]

I'm not...

You won't be able to make me feel... important.

[insidescoop]

Correction!

I am trying to state the facts!

Why don't you humor me, huh?

[reflash]

[He's been humoring people his whole life, and he chokes down his refusals and nods. Then remembers you can't see nods over the radio.]

S-sorry.

I... He... [It's "him" not "me" right now. There's another person out there, the better parts of him. The good parts.]

He's not a crybaby. [That's the sort of word choice of someone who heard it time and time again and eventually learned to choke back all his tears and all his emotions until people stopped calling him Yukio the crybaby. But this half is just all of that "weakness" pulled out of dark corners and given form.]

He can make decisions without being scared of what's going to happen. He isn't scared-- [Of anything. And this half is just all those anxieties and fears, the part of him that used to be scared of the dark and of loud refrigerators, of coal tars and zombies. The light half is calm and confident, this dark half is just afraid.]

He knows what to say to people, he can reassure them so they're not worried about him. [That other half is the Yukio with the quiet smile, the competent, confident, ever-so-polite young man. This Yukio wants people to worry about him, and hates that they worry, and doesn't know what to say to make them stop.]