[PUBLIC CHANNEL] D100 | Early In The Attack

[fortuneglass]

[Can anything get worse than the attack already is?

The answer is a resounding Yes. (And that's BEFORE everything else, for that matter.)

When Carly comes onto the radio- public radio on that note, for while she would rather not distress everyone further, it's something everyone should probably know- her voice is tense. Low, and flat, and stiff, as it has been in the past when handling something relatively unpleasant...or when causing it, for that matter.

Which is never a good sign.]

...Herbert is dead, [Is what she starts with, not that there is much else to say.] ...I have what's...left of him, [She says, sounding remarkably calm outside the clear hesitation as she chooses her words.

There goes one of their medical staff, for the time being though.]

Comments

[reflash]

No! [He can't do this. He can't--


and because he's so weak, so pathetic, he shoves his radio away and doens't respond.]

[fortuneglass]

Yukio he has to come to terms with reality eventually..!

[Screaming Floor Radio Time]

If I have to tie his arms up I'll do it! But this can't go on!

[Carly this isn't helping]

[reflash]

[It can't go on, and he knows it. It's too much, too big, his own broken and pathetic existence is more than he can handle but he doesn't know (no part of him knows) how to just reach out and admit he needs help.

But right now, he can't hide it. Right now, he is everything wrong with him and he can't hide it and he's going to get hurt, he's going to get deeply hurt because everyone knows how pathetic he is and everyone is going to strike at every glaringly obvious weakness.

But...

The radio crackles with Carly's loud concern, and Yukio can't do this, he can't even breathe.


He doesn't respond, just stops talking entirely. But about half an hour later, there's a small, quiet voice coming over the radio to Carly's private channel.]

I'm sorry. I... I just... I can't do this.

[insidescoop]

[Oh dear.]

...

...I pushed too hard, didn't I... [That lengthy pause was enough to tell her That at least.]

[reflash]

No. [She didn't push too hard, she just pressed a little and he shattered into pieces.]

It's my fault. I'm not the person you should be talking to right now.

[insidescoop]

Howwww is the OTHER half of you being an absolute idiot YOUR fault..!?

[reflash]

He's me, so it's my fault. If I weren't-- [the sob in his voice is back as his eyes sting with a new wave of tears.] I'm sorry.

[fortuneglass]

That's not true at all you should know. He's half, just as you're half too. He represents entire pieces that can't function properly WITHOUT you!

So it's nothing to apologize for, ok?

I'll make sure he gets an earful before you're back together! It wouldn't make sense to do it after!

[And then she failed.]

[reflash]

He'll be fine without me. [He will be. He'll be more than fine, he'll be perfect, efficient, merciless. Nothing will hold him back from where he needs to be and what he needs to do. ]

[insidescoop]

Oh, really?

What does he have? Go on, I'll tell you exactly why he needs you.

[reflash]

[She's going to try and encourage him somehow, drop empty platitudes to try and make him feel better or stronger or more cantabile somehow.]

You're not going to be able to cheer me up. [He says, an explanation and an apology.]

I'm not...

You won't be able to make me feel... important.

[insidescoop]

Correction!

I am trying to state the facts!

Why don't you humor me, huh?

[reflash]

[He's been humoring people his whole life, and he chokes down his refusals and nods. Then remembers you can't see nods over the radio.]

S-sorry.

I... He... [It's "him" not "me" right now. There's another person out there, the better parts of him. The good parts.]

He's not a crybaby. [That's the sort of word choice of someone who heard it time and time again and eventually learned to choke back all his tears and all his emotions until people stopped calling him Yukio the crybaby. But this half is just all of that "weakness" pulled out of dark corners and given form.]

He can make decisions without being scared of what's going to happen. He isn't scared-- [Of anything. And this half is just all those anxieties and fears, the part of him that used to be scared of the dark and of loud refrigerators, of coal tars and zombies. The light half is calm and confident, this dark half is just afraid.]

He knows what to say to people, he can reassure them so they're not worried about him. [That other half is the Yukio with the quiet smile, the competent, confident, ever-so-polite young man. This Yukio wants people to worry about him, and hates that they worry, and doesn't know what to say to make them stop.]

[fortuneglass]

So he doesn't really empathize with things, [She replies to 'crybaby'.] He acts without thinking of the consequences to himself and maybe others, [She adds, replying to the matter of fear,] And...

Hmm. Certainly that last one seems alright but...

...But if he's missing those first two things, that means a lot could be wrong with that side of you a lot of the time..! It's not good to hide that! Sometimes you need to let someone in, after all! These parts of you and him, aren't 'good' or 'bad'...they're something that has to be balanced! [Trust her, she's been thinking about this a lot.]

[reflash]

He's going to be a good doctor, and an even better exorcist. [He's going to be.

There's a future there, one that this Yukio won't ever reach. One he doesn't deserve, but that the other part, the better part can easily attain. And he's willing to (he's terrified to, he hates the idea that he will) die for that.]

[insidescoop]

No offense to what your other side is, but I wouldn't let anyone without care for danger and emotion anywhere near me if it cost me my life.

Taking risks only goes so far. Staying calm and detached only does so much. I'd rather someone have the capacity to cry for me, than not!

[reflash]

You would. [He argues, or something like an argument. It's more just a desperate laugh, a choked sob.]

He's useful.

I can't-- help anyone. I can't save anyone. I can't even-- I can't do anything!

It's so much better if you just don't care!

[insidescoop]

It's not.

Believe me Yukio... I know from experience, it's not. It might seem harder, and it might BE harder sometimes, but at the end of the day it is always better to have cared at least a LITTLE than not at all!

Because if you don't, and if you just go forward without care for the risks, how can you expect a patient to be listened to, when they need it most? How can you expect the decisions that need emotions to happen?

You need each other. Both halves, as one.

....it seems both of you need to realize that.

[reflash]

I-- I know. [He says, through tears, because this is the half of Yukio that can admit things like that, that can see where the other half of him is wrong. That still thinks things would be better if that other half was the only "Yukio" left.]

I'm just so tired.

[fortuneglass]

[Carly sighs.]

...We'll fix this, alright?

You need to exist just as much as him. It'll be alright.

[reflash]

[He wants to believe her, but he doesn't. But he wants to believe he can exist, should exist, that there's some kind of value in even this part of him.

There's just no way it's possible.]

I...

I'm sorry I can't help you. [With everything happening with West. With any of this.]

[insidescoop]

...

Sometimes just talking helps a lot, Yukio.

Just talking helped me a lot.

[reflash]

I wouldn't be able to stop. [He says, quiet and apologetic and painfully self-aware.]

You don't want to hear me talk. [Of course she doesn't. Why would she? They've barely spoken before, and now here he is just unloading all of this on her. He doesn't know why she's still letting him talk.]

[insidescoop]

I already am. And...it's helping me stay grounded here, I think, [She notes with a nervous laugh.]

[reflash]

I just want to... [to help people? But that's not it, is it. That's not what he wants, that's just what he's always said he's wanted. He wants...

really, he just doesn't want to feel like this any more.]

Sorry. I--

Can you--

[What does he want? He has no idea.]

Why are you still talking to me? [He isn't helping her somehow. There's no possible way.]